(Put together from various forwarded mail)
Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you say there?"
The agent said, Certainly ye have...Why do you ask?
Murphy replied, cancel the sale...its too good to part with.
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Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"
Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."
His friend asked, "well what d'ye mean by that?"
Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought
was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."
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One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin.
"Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?."
"Logic" replied Mick.
"What's Logic?" said Pat.
"Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a GoldFish?" Pat: "I do!"
Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!"
Pat: "That's Right!"
Mick: "So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!"
Pat: "That's Right!"
Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!"
Pat: "That's Right!"
Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions.
An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey! After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.
Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?".
Pat replies "He's studying at the University".
Shamey: "And What's He Studying?".
Pat: "Logic!"
Shamey: "And What's Logic?"
Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a GoldFish?"
Shamey: "I Do!"
Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"
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Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section, and bought four birds. Then drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "This looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry.
"Oh, yeh, this looks good," replies Paddy.
They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss.
"I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry.
He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his
shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "This budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me"
A minute later, Seamus arrives. He pulls a parrot out of a
bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun.
"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom.
Paddy shakes his head and says, "Bejasus that parrotshootin is too dangerous for me."
A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result.
Once more Paddy shakes his head - "First there was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, them Seamus parrotshootin and now you hen gliding".
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An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said
to him.
Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."
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Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking.
"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him.
The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for
linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport.
Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard.
"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, bravely called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport.
The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?"
"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".
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