Irish Jokes

(Put together from various forwarded mail)

Irish Jokes

Murphy was selling his house, and put the matter in an agent's hands. The agent wrote up a sales blurb for the house that made wonderful reading. After Murphy read it, he turned to the agent and asked, "Have I got all you say there?"

The agent said, Certainly ye have...Why do you ask? 

Murphy replied, cancel the sale...its too good to part with.

----------

Two Irishmen met and one said to the other, "Have ye seen Mulligan lately, Pat?"

Pat said, "Well, I have and I haven't."

His friend asked, "well what d'ye mean by that?"

Pat said, "It's like this, y'see...I saw a chap who I thought 
was Mulligan, and he saw a chap that he thought was me. And when we got up to one another...it was neither of us."

----------

One afternoon, Pat met Mick, whom he hadn't seen for quiet some time. After chatting for a while, Pat asked Mick what he was doing with himself at the moment. Mick told Pat that he was Studying at University College in Dublin.

"Jazuz." said Pat..."And what are you Studying?."

"Logic" replied Mick.

"What's Logic?" said Pat.

"Well!" said Mick...."Do You Have a GoldFish?" Pat: "I do!"

Mick: "So ..you probably have the Fish for your Kids!" 
Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick: "So.. Having Kids means your probably married...!" 
Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick: "So Being Married means you're not a Homosexual!" 
Pat: "That's Right!"

Mick Explains that it was Logic that allowed him to figure all that out. The Boys say Goodbye and head off in different directions.

An hour later, Pat meets his mate Shamey! After a while Shamey asked Pat had he seen Mick around. Pat explains that he met Mick only an hour ago.

Shamey said: "And what's old Mick doing with Himself?". 
Pat replies "He's studying at the University". 

Shamey: "And What's He Studying?". 
Pat: "Logic!"

Shamey: "And What's Logic?"
Pat: "Let me Explain....Do you have a GoldFish?"

Shamey: "I Do!"
Pat: "So you're not a Homosexual then!!!!"

-----------

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop. Right away they go over to the bird section, and bought four birds. Then drive until they are high up in the hills and stop at the top of a cliff with a 500-foot drop. "This looks like a grand place, eh?" says Gerry. 

"Oh, yeh, this looks good," replies Paddy. 

They flip a coin and Gerry wins the toss. 
"I guess I git to go first, eh Paddy?" says Gerry. 

He then takes two birds out of the bag, places them on his
shoulders and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as his mate drops off the edge and goes straight down for a few seconds followed by a 'SPLAT'. As Paddy looks over the edge of the cliff he shakes his head and says, "This budgie jumpin' is too dangerous for me"


A minute later, Seamus arrives. He pulls a parrot out of a
bag, and then Paddy notices that, in his other hand, Seamus is carrying a gun. 

"Hi, Paddy. Watch this," Seamus says and launches himself over the edge of the cliff. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and blows the parrot's head off. Seamus continues to plummet until there is a SPLAT!, as he joins Gerry's remains at the bottom. 

Paddy shakes his head and says, "Bejasus that parrotshootin is too dangerous for me."


A few minutes after Seamus splats himself Sean strolls up. He too has been to the pet shop and he walks up carrying the familiar bag. Instead of a parrot he pulls a chicken out of the bag, and launches himself of the cliff with the usual result. 

Once more Paddy shakes his head - "First there was Gerry wit his budgie jumping, them Seamus parrotshootin and now you hen gliding".

---------

An American tourist was driving in County Kerry, when his motor stopped. He got out to see if he could locate the trouble. A voice behind him said, "The trouble is the carburetor." He turned around and only saw an old horse. The horse said again, "It's the carburetor that's not working." The American nearly died with fright, and dashed into the nearest pub, had a large whiskey, and told Murphy the bartender what the horse had said 
to him. 

Murphy said, "Well, don't pay any attention to him, he knows nothing about cars anyway."

----------

Irishman, Englishman and a German are caught in Saudi Arabia drinking. 


"Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard to the Englishman just before lashing him. 

The English man, being a bit of a cricket fan, asked for
linseed oil. When they lashed him on a post and let him go to catch his flight back to London he groaned and crawled to the airport. 


Next came the German. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" said the prison guard. 

"Nothing" said the German and, after receiving his lashes spat on the ground, bravely called the prison guards Schisers and started off towards the airport. 


The guards then came to the Irishman. "Under Saudi law you are sentenced to 30 lashes then deported. Before you begin you are entitled to something on you back, what would you like?" 

"Oh", replied the Irishman, "I'll take the German".

MISS AMERICA VERSUS MISS AFGHANISTAN

(From a Forwarded Mail -- First published in Small World Ezine on 22 March 2002)

      Afghan Girl - Poster

Miss America is a junior at Portland State University, hoping 
to eventually get a Master's degree in Bioethics.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from receiving any education at
all, and cannot read or write.

Miss America has worked as a lab assistant at both the Oregon
Health Sciences University and the University of Puget Sound.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from working.

Miss America's father is an engineer. Her mother is a teacher.
Miss Afghanistan's father was shot by a gang of Taliban
militants. Her mother begs for bread scraps since she cannot
work or remarry.

Miss America wowed the judges by singing a Puccini aria, 
"O Mio Babbino Caro".
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from singing or even listening 
to music of any kind.


Miss America will be traveling the nation nonstop during her
reign.
Miss Afghanistan cannot leave her house without a male family
member, cannot drive, and cannot be out after dark.

Miss America is an advocate for breast cancer research.
Miss Afghanistan cannot be treated by a male doctor, and for 
all practical purposes has no access to medical treatment of 
any kind.

Miss America can date, marry, or divorce anyone she chooses.
Miss Afghanistan will be stoned to death if caught in the 
company of a male outside of her family. She is likely to be 
sold into an arranged marriage to a man who already has two 
wives.

Miss America wears sunscreen on the beach to keep from 
burning.
Miss Afghanistan cannot live in a house with windows unless 
they are painted black. Since she must wear a burqua outside, 
her pale translucent skin has not seen a ray of sunlight in 
years.

Miss America could have been disqualified if her swimsuit did 
not meet pageant standards.
Miss Afghanistan can be flogged if the holes in the mesh 
covering her face are too large.

 

Miss America will decide how many children, if any, she wants 
to have.
Miss Afghanistan will be pregnant 3-4 times more often than 
Miss America. Unfortunately, her babies are 25 times more 
likely to die in the first year. One out of four will not 
see their 5th birthday. 

Miss America is majoring in speech communications at PSU.
Miss Afghanistan is forbidden from speaking in public.

Miss America is 21. Since the U.S. life expectancy for women 
is 80, she's still a very young woman.
Miss Afghanistan is also 21. But since the life expectancy 
for an Afghan woman is 43, next year she will be 
over-the-hill". (Besides having a shockingly short life 
expectancy overall, Afghanistan is one of the only countries 
in the world in which women have a shorter life expectancy 
than men).

Miss America is a beautiful, intelligent woman and everyone 
knows it.
Miss Afghanistan could be a beautiful, intelligent woman... 
but nobody will ever know it.

God Bless Miss America.
God Help Miss Afghanistan.
 

 

  The Long Walk Home: Paul Franklin's Journey from Afghanistan

  Meena, Heroine of Afghanistan: The Martyr Who Founded RAWA, the Revolutionary Association of the Women of Afghanistan, by Chavis

The Hitory of Yodeling

(From a forwarded email)

The Hitory of Yodeling

Many years ago a man was traveling through the mountains of Switzerland. Nightfall was rapidly approaching and he had nowhere to sleep. He went up to a farmhouse and asked the farmer if he could spend the night. The farmer told him that he could sleep in the barn.

As the story goes, the farmer's daughter came down from upstairs and asked her father, "Who is that man going into the barn?" 

"That's some fellow traveling through," said the farmer. "He needs a place to stay for the night, so I said he could sleep in the barn." The daughter said, "Perhaps he is hungry." So she prepared him a plate of food and took it out to the barn. 

About an hour later, the daughter returned. Her clothing disheveled and straw in her hair. Straight up to bed she went.

The farmer's wife was very observant. She then suggested that perhaps the man was thirsty. So she fetched a bottle of wine, took it out to the barn and she too did not return for an hour. Her clothing was askew, her blouse buttoned incorrectly and her hair all messed up. She also headed straight to bed.

The next morning at sunrise the man in the barn got up and continued on his journey, waving to the farmer as he left. When the daughter awoke and learned that the visitor was gone, she broke into tears. "How could he leave without even saying goodbye," she cried. "We made such passionate love last night!"

"What?" shouted the father as he angrily ran out of the house looking for the man, who by now was halfway up the mountain. The farmer screamed up at him, "I'm going to get you! You had sex with my daughter!"

The man looked back down from the mountainside, cupped his hand next to his mouth, and yelled out, "LAIDTHEOLADEETOO."

Mahatma Gandhi

(First published in Small World Ezine on 13 September 2002)

 

As promised, today we'll talk about a man who had fought the British Empire peacefully, and won. He is respected as the Father of the Modern Indian Nation -- Mahatma Gandhi.

"Friends and Comrades, the light has gone out of our lives and there is darkness everywhere. I do not know what to tell you and how to say it. Our beloved leader, Bapu as we call him, the Father of the Nation, is no more....

"The light has gone out, I said, and yet I was wrong. For the light that shone in our country was no ordinary light. The light that has illumined this country for these many many years will illumine this country for many more years, and a thousand years later that light will still be seen in this country and the world will see it and it will give solace to innumerable hearts. For that light represented something more than the immediate present; it represented the living, the eternal truths, reminding us of the right path, drawing us from error, taking this ancient country to freedom..."

The above is part of the famous speech delivered by Jawaharlal Nehru in the evening of January 30, 1948 the day Gandhi was assassinated.

Mohandas Karamchand Gandhi was born on 2 October 1869 in the town of Porbander in the state of what is now Gujarat. Then India was under British rule.  

In 1888 he set sail for England, where he had decided to pursue a degree in law, left behind his son Harilal, then a few months old. His mother, disagreed with his decision, made him promise that he would keep away from wine, women, and meat during his stay abroad. 

After a year of practicing laws in India, the Mahatma accepted a job offer in South Africa. And it had become a long stay... 20 years.

It is here he'd become the leader of the Indian community after he himself was thrown from a first-class train despite his first-class ticket. He had decided to fight racism. 

It is also here that he had developed 'Satyagraha' for non-violence resistance ('satya' is Sanskrit for 'truth' and 'graha' is 'family holding'). The best explanation of 'satyagraha' is -- If no individual or group could claim absolute knowledge of the truth, no one should use violence to compel others to act against their different but also sincere understanding of it. 

And for the famous 'Ahimsa' (or 'ahingsa'), was explained, "Ahimsa had clear implications for political conflict. Violence used against oppression, Gandhi believed, was not only wrong, it was a mistake. It could never really end injustice, because it inflamed the prejudice and fear that fed oppression. For Gandhi, unjust means would never produce a just outcome. "The means may be likened to a seed, the end to a tree," he wrote in 1909, "and there is just the same inviolable connection between the means and the end as there is between the seed and the tree. . . We reap exactly as we sow."  

Easily speaking, if you think a law is unjust, you keep doing what is forbidden and suffering the consequences, which could be imprisonment, torturing or whatever, to have your message delivered.

   
The Mahatma returned to India in early 1915. Then He travelled throughout India and he became involved in numerous local struggles, such as at Ahmedabad, where a dispute had broken out between management and workers at textile mills. His interventions in such cases earned him a considerable reputation. And it was by this time, because of his saintliness, that he earned, from Rabindranath Tagore -- India's most well-known writer -- the title of 'Mahatma', or 'Great Soul'.

After the Punjab massacre in around 1920, the Mahatma wrote a report calling  upon Indians to withdraw from British institutions, and in 1922 he was arrested and sent to prison.

After the release, he worked hard to improve the Hindu-Muslim relationship by promoting nationalism. He also continued his fight on everything for Indian people, from hygiene and nutrition to education and labor. Most of his ideas around 1930 were published in his own newspaper.

The Mahatma's famous 1942's last call for independence sent him to confinement again. (he asked every Indian to lay down their life, if necessary, in the cause of freedom.) After that, he continued to take care of the riot-wounded people, walking from village to village, where Hindus and Muslim violence arose, and consoling the widowed.

In Calcutta he came to constitute, in the famous words of the last viceroy, Mountbatten, a "one-man boundary force" between Hindus and Muslims. The ferocious fighting in Calcutta came to a halt, almost entirely on account of his efforts. 

Finally, the moment of freedom came, on 15 August 1947. Gandhi was nowhere to be seen in the capital, though Nehru and the entire Constituent Assembly were to salute him as the architect of Indian independence, as the 'father of the nation'.

In the early evening hours of 30 January 1948, Delhi, in the national prayer, where the Mahatma (who had just survive an attempt assassination) refused extra security, a man pushed through the crowd and shot him three times in the chest!

As the Mahatma blessed his assassin, he fell, his time-piece struck the ground, and the hands of the watch came to a standstill. They showed, as they had done before, the precise time: 5:12 P.M.

And that was the moment the light had gone out in India... but in all Indians' minds and souls.

Reference Sites:
http://www.sscnet.ucla.edu/southasia/History/Gandhi/gandhi.html
http://www.ourindia.com/gandhi1.htm
http://meadev.nic.in/Gandhi/ahimsa.htm
http://www.pbs.org/weta/forcemorepowerful/india/satyagraha.html

 

More:

Never had a human being been regarded to by this many world's scholars and leaders...

"Not since Buddha has India so reverenced any man. Not since St. Francis of Assissi has any life known to history been so marked by gentleness, disinterestedness, simplicity of soul and forgiveness of enemies. We have the astonishing phenomenon of a revolution led by a saint." 

- Will Durant


"Gandhi was probably the first person in history to lift the love ethic of Jesus above mere interaction between individuals to a powerful and effective social force on a large scale. The intellectual and moral satisfaction that I failed to gain from the utilitarianism of Bentham and Mill, the revolutionary methods of Marx and Lenin, the social contract theory of Hobbes, the 'back to nature' optimism of Rousseau, and the superman philosophy of Nietzsche, I found in the non-violent resistance philosophy of Gandhi..." 

- Martin Luther King, Jr.


"He was right, he knew he was right, we all knew he was right. The man who killed him knew he was right. However long the follies of the violent continue, they but prove that Gandhi was right. 'Resist to the very end', he said, 'but without violence'. Of violence the world is sick. Oh, India, dare to be worthy of your Gandhi." 

- Pearl S. Buck


"I and others may be revolutionaries but we are disciples of Mahatma Gandhi, directly or indirectly, nothing more nothing less." 

- Ho Chi Minh.


Gandhi An Autobiography: The Story of my Experiments with Truth, by Gandhi

Mahatma Gandhi was a merciful human being. He did not eat meat or even drink any milk (because milking process at the time could hurt animals). His nobility is widely respected, not only among Indians, his children, but also by the people all over the world. The secret of his success lies in his dynamic spiritual strength and incessant self-sacrifice. 


When you want to go to war, think of how this Great Man had beaten the world's biggest power at the time without a weapon in his hand. 

When anger conquers your mind, and you want to retaliate, to destroy the enemy, think about how this Great Man solve several disputes without violence.

When you hate someone else because he/she is different, think about how this Great man had sacrificed his life for human rights, equalities, and the better-beings of mankind.

The truth is immortal. The truth never dies. The truth is all man regardless of races or religious beliefs are as human as us/you, and they/we deserve equal respects. 

The Far Easterns

(First published in Small World Ezine on 2 September 2002)

As an Asian who claim to be a culture expert, the questions
I was often asked by non-Asians is "What is the common
language in Asia?" There is no common language. Chinese 
speak Chinese, Koreans speak Korean, Thais speak Thai. 
However, there are more Chinese than others, so you could 
say Chinese is the most-spoken. And Mandarin is the common 
language among the Chinese. (You know there are like 
thousands of Chinese dialects, do you?)

When it comes to the looks and culture, it's also somewhat
different. Let's have a look into these 3 close nations
in the Far-East -- China, Korea, and Japan.
These are three big countries in the Far East. The people 
of the three share similar looks and characteristics that I
was often asked to distinguish one from the 2 others.

If the English, Irish, and Scotsmen are different; so are
the Chinese, Japanese, and Koreans.

   

Chinese written history begins in 2697 B.C. The Han people
were regarded as the progenitors of the Chinese race. They 
lived and practiced agriculture along the Yangze river. 

In 219 B.C. Emperor Chin Si (who built the Great Wall), 
having become too powerful without anything else better to 
do, sent Shufu, a learned man of his court, out the Eastern 
sea to find a herbal treat to confer immortality. Shufu 
cruised out with 1,000 pure maidens and youths. They'd never 
returned. It's believed that they launched on an island, 
which had become today's Japan. The 1,000 children, taught 
and taken care by Shufu, were legended to be the ancestors 
of modern Japanese. Many Japanese believe this despite the 
Imperial house's preferred version of them being descendents 
of the Sun God. Though.


On Korea, Chou Emperor had claimed it as a Chinese territory 
since 1121 B.C. Then they freed it as an independent 
country before Japan colonized it in late 1800s. However,
the stubborn Koreans (how they called themselves) are proud 
that they have managed, against great odds and many 
invaders, to maintain a surprisingly high degree of racial 
homogeneity.


Therefore, the people of these three nations are closely
related. They share similar values and cultures/philosophy. 
Nevertheless, there are great differences.


I guess it's the geography that contributes the differences.
China is a vast landmass while Japan is a tiny island, and
Korea is on a peninsula on the fringe of the vastness of 
China. Japan and Korean do not enjoy the abundance of 
natural resources that China does. And that makes them more 
aggressive when it comes to economic survival while the 
Chinese are much more easy-going. 



When Chinese always have somewhere to run, the others 
don't. A Chinese maxim says, "A wise man does not fight a 
losing battle". The Chinese seem to see a long range goal, 
and have no problems retreating and hiding in order to 
regroup and attack at a right time. The Japanese, nowhere 
to run, have a sense of honor that they would rather die 
than surrender. Koreans are somewhere between the two
extremes.


Probably the Japanese are really descendents of Shufu's 
crews. They act like sailors in the same ship. Bounded by a
deeply felt sense of common destiny, they place enormous 
importance on the concepts of duty, loyalty, and 
cooperation. At the same time, they have very little 
tolerability to individualists.


The Koreans are known as the Irish of Asia for their fast 
temper. They are said to be the only Asian to let the public 
see how they feel. While others try to hide their emotion 
Koreans let go their anger, tears and laughter all the 
time.


Note: When we talk Asians, we do not include the Filipinos
for the culture is far too different from other Asians due 
to Western influences, different religion and philosophy, 
and vast migration in the past.

  Introduction to Chinese, Japanese and Korean Computing

  Asian Management Systems: Chinese, Japanese and Korean Styles of Business, by Chen, 2nd Edition

Where is Shangrila?

(First published in Small World Ezine on 8 October 2002)

 

Since we talked about Kashmir and Bhutan, our subscribers 
have been asking about Shangri-La. And I'd promised to 
find out about it. Only I could not find it. Confess!

Yes, I know the Chinese has this popular trekking tour to 
Shangri-La from Yunnan. I thought this was it until 
researches took me further to the point that someone had 
said, "knowing too much is knowing nothing".  Here's my 
findings.

 

The term Shangri-La was referred the first time in British 
novelist -- James Hilton's  "Lost Horizon" (1933). The 
scene was set in the Tibetan monastery of Shangri-La where
the inmates enjoy extended youth. Hilton had made Shagri-La 
sound like another Utopia. Later books and movies did so as
well... Making Tibet, and the Shangri-La region of the 
Himalayas sound clean and peaceful. The land of wisdom.

Indeed, you know how it's like. Tibet and the others have 
suffered grievous the rages of war since forever.

In 1994, the Chinese government claimed Shangri-La had been 
located around Deqen in the Tibetan Autonomous Prefecture of 
Yunnan. They even changed the name of Zhongdian -- an old 
city to Shangri-La. And the Shangri-La trekking tours took 
off like crazy since. That has created doubts. Lots of 
doubts.

Somebody said Hilton's Shangri-La does not really exist. He
only borrowed the term from the name of a mountain pass near 
Mt. Everest, Changri La ("La" is Tibetan for pass). For me
kind of strange nobody had tried to get it out from Hilton
when he's alive. (On the other hand, if he told... it'd
destroy everything. Right?)

 

However, everyone agreed Hilton's Shangri-La was in Tibet.
So, how China has dressed up an old city as Shangri-La (no
matter if it's real or not) is not that bad for Tibetan. 
Since the siege by Communist China after WWII, Tibetan were
not allowed to carry on their religious, language and 
cultural practices. Now that tourism is there. Tibetans need
to be able to present their usual way of living -- the 
older, the more ancient, the better. As one local retires 
school teacher said, "Tourism is helping to revive Tibetan 
culture".

Talking about the culture of Tibet...  Tibetan originated 
from the nomadic, warlike tribes known as the Qiang. Chinese 
records of these tribes date back as far as the 2nd century 
BC. In its history, Tibet was in and out as a colony of
China for several times. But this is the most recent...

In 1947 an attempted coup d'etat rocked Lhasa. And in 1949 
the Chinese Nationalist government, against all odds, fell 
to Mao Zedong. And the Chinese 'liberation' of Tibet  
eventually lead to 1.2 million Tibetan deaths, a full-on 
assault on the Tibetan traditional way of life, the flight 
of the Dalai Lama to India and the large-scale destruction 
of almost every historical structure.

In 1950, Chinese troops attacked central Tibet. An appeal to 
the United Nations had done nothing effective to help the 
desperate nation. There is only on country, El Salvador,
which put the motion to condemn the behaviour of China. 
Britain and India, former friends of Tibet, actually 
managed to convince the UN not to debate the issue. China 
was then already one of the founders of U.N., though. 

From then, there were numbers of rages and riots in the 
attempts to free Tibet. All ended up with Tibetans' death 
and arrest. All the world's governments are still careful 
not to show in any way that they recognize Dalai Lama's 
political status as the head of an exiled government. The
good sign is there has been no fighting for a while. The
recent visit of Dalai Lama's to the U.S. (and probably the 
growing of American Buddhist communities) had reminded the
world not to forget this tiny state. 

I am a Theravaj Buddhist. Don't know much about Tibetan 
Buddhist except that they are full of miracles and myths. 
But that is their business. We don't agree or disagree with 
others' beliefs if they do no harm. And I am not writing 
this to solicit for any fellow Buddhists.

And one thing I think it's funny is the fact that both 
Hilton and Shangri-La are the name of the world's big hotel 
groups today!
 

 

More:


If you want to go there, July to November is the best time.
It's still going to be very cold at night, and much warmer
during the day. Prepare proper clothes.  
 

How to get there...

From Kunming, the capital city of Yunan province (Kunming
International airport has daily flights from / to Beijing
and Bangkok. See which way is closer to you. Safest way is 
go with a caravan tour group. You can also go by yourself, 
but it is not convenient AT ALL.

Travelling in the remote area of China, prepare your own
toilet paper and other hygienic stuff. Bring food such ad
canned foods, boiled eggs, dried fruits, etc. with you in 
case you cannot eat local food. Oh and diarrhea pills and
energy drinks are must!


If you want something easier, come via Nepal (on a 4WD). 
Enter Tibet at Lhasa, the capital city. There are numbers of 
tour operators in Nepal who will arrange the trips and 
papers for you.


One more thing is it's highest place on earth. The air is 
very thin. It could be dangerous if you have a health issue. 
You have to be healthy enough. Do the check-ups before 
reserving your trip.


Do not be scared yet. It's once in a life time trip. And
what you see is worth all the difficulties. It's the roof of 
the world. Remember?